[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

cheeks and moving to her mouth to stifle the sounds of the sobs
coming forth. She closed her eyes and bent over her knees, weeping,
and then Luke crashed into the room, followed soon by Jana and
Marian.
The two women crept out as Katherine blurted out to Luke's bent
head a veritable deluge of horror, gnef and rage. Marian shut the door
on her trembling voice just as she was attempting to tell him of the
awful nightmare image, and the irrevocable stains on her arms from
his life's blood whle he held her tightly.
Marian sent a troubled smile to Jana, murmuring, ' "What, will these
hands ne'er be clean?" ' But when Jana asked her what she meant by
what was obviously a quote, she shook her head. The two stood
talking irresolutely for some time in the hall, but after a little bit the
conversation lagged, and each went back to her room in silence.
After Katherine had started, it was as if she could not stop the flow of
words, and it was quite some time before her anguished voice petered
out into silence. His arms were holding her so tightly that she thought
her ribs must crack from the strain, and the neck muscles where her
hands were nestled felt rigid. But his voice, when she told him of her
nightmare, was mild and flatly matter-of-fact when he said. 'But my
dear, I'm not dead and I'm not even wounded. And I promise you that
I'm definitely not smiling at any of this.'
That steadied her more than anything else he could have done, and
soon she was able to lift her head up from its resting-place on his
supporting shoulder, and loosen her death-hold from his neck. He
loosened his hold on her also at this, and leaned back to look
searchingly at her face. Her hair was all over the place, and he pushed
it off her face with one hand. Her eyes were extremely large, with the
dark circles under them that he had hoped never to see again. Her face
was set into lines of bitterness and exhaustion, and the curve of her
mouth was tense.
'How could God if there is a God let that little boy die like that?'
she burst out, with such an expression of bitterness that his heart
seemed to contract. 'I would have given my life, yes and gladly, too,
to have that little boy live! I would far rather have died myself, than to
watch his blood come out of him like that!'
'Don't say that!' He gripped her slender shoulders roughly. Her
shocked eyes stared up at his brilliant expressive ones, until after a
while his fell and his grip relaxed. 'I'm sorry. Of course you feel that
way; I'm sure that I would have felt the same.' He smiled twistedly,
and it tore her heart to see him look so. 'It's just that I could never give
you up, so that someone else could live. It's asking too much of me.'
She raised a hand to cup his cheek. 'I know,' she whispered. 'I care
about you the same way.' She paused, and then continued in a tone
that conveyed how deeply the death of the little stranger had affected
her. 'But if caring means feeling this terrible, wrenching agony, then I
don't want to care at all. I don't want to care about anything. Luke, I
don't want to feel this pain!'
The hurting cry, sounding like a plea for help, had him closing his
eyes with a wince. He turned away from her, presenting to her the
strong lines of his profile, and he bowed his head to look at his two
clasped hands dangling between his knees. It was an attitude of such
sorrow and strange helplessness that it made her want to hold him to
her, to soothe away the troubled look, to ease his pain. She had time
to wonder about this; Luke had always seemed to be so much in
control. She had not realised just how much she looked to him for
everything, until she saw him now at a loss as to what to say to her. In
that one moment, she realised a sudden shift had taken place in the
balance of their relationship. Before, he had been the one to give, and
she did the majority of the taking.
It would never be that way again. Not after the exposure of his own
vulnerability.
'I wish,' he was saying, 'that I could give you a life free of pain,
Katherine.' He so very rarely called her by her full name. 'But I can't
do that. I can't guarantee you that you are never going to hurt again,
because if we get married, then one of us is going to experience a
terrible loss. "For the rest of our lives" is a phrase that so rarely comes
true. Do you see, my love?' As long as she lived, she would never
forget the look on his face as he sat, unable to face her, and spoke to
her thus. 'One of us is going to die before the other. And one of us is
going to hurt more than they've ever hurt before. It is going to happen.
'I would give my right arm to save you grief, if I could. I wish I could
give that little boy life. But I can't spare you any more than I could
shield Jana. Pain and grief happen! But I can promise you one thing,
Katherine.' He turned his bent head, and she saw the glitter in his dark
eyes, and the intensity of his expression. 'I will promise you this: the
more you feel, the more strength you are capable of attaining. The
deeper the grief, the higher the joy. You can't change what you
are you are a caring and sensitive person, and always have been.
That is why your father was capable of hurting you so
much because you cared. The more you care, the more you will be
able to withstand. I can't stop your hurt, but maybe, just maybe, I can
help you find your strength.'
Some deep part of her took in what he was trying so hard to say with a
recognition and a welcoming, as if she had found the one thing that
made her feel truly balanced and whole inside. She raised her eyes to
him and found him regarding her with such a look of gentle concern
and understanding that tears started in her eyes. He exclaimed with
dismay at this, but she smiled through her tears and said, 'No, no it's
all right!' She stopped whatever he was going to say with one finger.
'Really, Luke. I'm all right. I understand what you are trying to tell
me. I know what you say is right. But,' at this her lips quivered,
'I it's been such a painful .. . and I need to feel something good oh,
just hold me.' She was drawn into his arms as she whispered, 'Just
hold me for a while.'
He groaned at this, and held her with such a tenderness that she was
quite overcome. She pressed little soft kisses on the side of his neck, [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]